


just listen.

by zephlora



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, basically dh stares at mark for an inappropriate amount of time and then cries, god bless mark lee, haechan is dramatic and obnoxious, lots of bickering but what's new, mark is oblivious, oh also donghyuck was once a Girl Scout you heard it here first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 11:01:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18991339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zephlora/pseuds/zephlora
Summary: It was times like these that Donghyuck wished he could reverse time, punch himself in the face, and then live underground for a million years where there were no cute boys with big eyes and endless talent and wiry muscles for him to ruin with his bullshit.





	just listen.

**Author's Note:**

> dumb boys being sensitive and awkward and having a Moment  
> in other words:  
> donghyuck is really really thanks for mark lee
> 
> this is for you, my forever bud, my brobi wan kenobi.

“Wear headphones.”

“What, why? Just play it out loud,” Mark said, pushing away the almost comically large noise-cancelling headphones that Donghyuck was shoving at him. Donghyuck sighed, exasperated.

“Everyone knows you can only get the full experience if you wear headphones. No distractions.”

“Oh, so I have to wear headphones every time I listen to music?” Mark shot back.

“Obviously not, but you have to now because it’s your first time hearing it,” Donghyuck said, matching his tone. Mark was being annoying, but Donghyuck didn’t want this to be ruined by their bickering. And, of course, he wasn’t above playing dirty. He pouted, all puppy eyes and squishy cheeks. Mark stood no chance. “This is important to me, Minhyungie-hyung.”

Mark looked at him. Sometimes he swore Donghyuck’s aegyo was too powerful for his own good. And Mark’s sanity. But despite the sickly-sweet voice his dongsaeng used, Mark saw something else in his expression, something more sincere. Over the years, Mark became better at recognizing the subtle shift of Donghyuck’s eyes, the downward twitch of his mouth. In a strange way, he prided himself over the fact that he could read Donghyuck better than anyone else could.

“Fine. Gimme,” he said, reaching for the headphones.

“Ha! Alright, well, go ahead.” Donghyuck was annoyed to find that he was suddenly nervous. “And don’t look at me,” he added, frowning. Mark rolled his eyes, put on the headphones, and pressed play.

The final version of ‘No Longer’ had been finished, and with a lot of begging, bribery, and manipulation, Donghyuck had convinced the producers to give him his own copy to listen to before anyone else. It wasn’t really that big of a deal, but Donghyuck was particularly proud of the song, and he wanted Mark to hear it first. For critique purposes, of course. Because although they were best friends, and although they lived together, they also had a job to do. There had to be some semblance of professionalism, Donghyuck told himself. They were adults, goddammit, and they were doing their job, regardless of the fact that they had spent the day binge-watching anime and youtubing videos of baby animals.

Donghyuck pressed his palms into the blankets to stop them from getting clammy. He knew Mark would love the song, but still. He watched the older boy sitting next to him, on the edge of the bed, half-turned so Donghyuck could see his face from where he sat against the headboard. Almost immediately, Mark closed his eyes and leaned back, supporting himself with his forearms planted on the mattress behind him. If Donghyuck didn’t know the extent of Mark’s absolute obliviousness, he would think the older was stretching out like this on purpose, just to taunt him. How unfair.

Donghyuck watched his face carefully, cursing himself for getting so worked up over it. It’s just Mark, he thought. Mark, who he grew up with, who was basically an extension of himself. But that was the problem, wasn’t it? Because it meant Mark’s opinion mattered that much more.

It didn’t help that Donghyuck was probably in love with him.

When he really thinks about it, Donghyuck can’t remember a time when he didn’t love Mark. Even when they fought, or when they were so frustrated with each other that they didn’t speak for days, each trying to one-up each other’s stubbornness. Even when Donghyuck picked on Mark relentlessly, and each time Mark pushed him away or recoiled when Donghyuck grabbed his hand or tried to kiss his cheek. Even when his heart pounded as he laughed it off as some joke, because what else could he do? Through all of that, Donghyuck loved Mark. And Mark loved him back, but not  _enough_ —not the way Donghyuck wanted him to. So, Donghyuck did his best to act like it was okay. He played along with the teasing. He pushed Mark’s boundaries in front of the cameras, let his desperation become a joke and ran with it. He caged himself in, made his love look superficial. If nothing else, it let him keep his friendship with Mark, the bond that he cherished more than anything else. And that was enough, for a long time.

 _Friendship_. The word had always bothered Donghyuck, even before he had the cataclysmic awakening that every little gay boy dreams of. It was a flimsy word, he thought. It reminded him of his childhood before SM, when he threw tantrums until his parents and teachers allowed him to participate in his elementary school’s Girl Scouts Club with his sister. He was offered a spot in the Boy Scouts plenty of times, but he insisted, going as far as memorizing the Girl Scout Promise in order to prove his devotion:

_"On my honor, I will try:_

_to serve God and my country,_

_to help people at all times,_

_and to live by the Girl Scout Law._

_I will do my best to be:_

_honest and fair,_

_friendly and helpful,_

_considerate and caring,_

_courageous and strong, and_

_responsible for what I say and do, and to_

_respect myself and others,_

_respect authority,_

_use resources wisely,_

_make the world a better place, and_

_be a sister to every Girl Scout."_

He quickly realized it was more effective to wear them down slowly by chanting the Promise at any and every inappropriate setting he found himself in: at the doctor’s office, at the grocery store, at church, at 6:00 a.m. in his parents’ bedroom on a Saturday, even one time at a funeral. He looked back at that time fondly, and often credited it as the source of his exceptional manipulation skills. He knew the Friendship Song by heart, which he used to sing to Mark all the time because of how deliciously obnoxious it was.

_"Make new friends but keep the old._

_One is silver and the other gold._

_A circle is round; It has no end._

_That's how long I want to be your friend."_

It was an atrocious song. It was cheesy and shallow, and really didn’t make any sense. Mark knew this too, as he had been lucky enough to hear Donghyuck rant about it on multiple occasions. Donghyuck strongly believed the Friendship Song ruined the word ‘friendship’ for him. Unfortunately it was a word often thrown around to describe him and Mark.  _What a strong friendship you two have. Donghyuck and Mark have the cutest friendship. #Markhyuck are friendship goals._ It aggravated him, and Mark never really knew why. But it was because what he had with Mark was so much more than a stupid golden Girl Scout friendship, but there were no words to describe it, none that felt right to him. They were floating somewhere in between ‘best friends’ and… something more. Secretly, he liked the word ‘soulmates,’ but it always made Mark cringe. Somewhere along the way, he had started to think that maybe what he thought he had with Mark was all in his head—that they really were just good friends, nothing more.

That couldn’t be true, though. Because Donghyuck still felt it, always, even though his insecurities tried to tell him differently, to convince him that Mark felt the same about him as he did about all of the other members. It wasn’t possible. No one could read Mark like Donghyuck could, and vice versa. They were always in sync in some way. It was subconscious, the way they gravitated towards each other, coming together naturally—even on opposite sides of a room, on opposite sides of a  _stadium,_ they felt each other’s presence and kept the balance gracefully. It was so natural, this bond they’d established, that they rarely thought of it unless it was pointed out to them. Every time it happened, they would shrug and change the subject, but Donghyuck knew they both liked it—liked having something special, coveted even. But he knew Mark didn’t live off of it like he did. It was probably definitely unhealthy to rely on something—someone—like that, but he had accepted self-destruction a long time ago.

He did his best to deal with the day-by-day, and really, he excelled at it. Of course, most of his hyungs had caught on long ago, before he had the sense to box up his emotions. They never said anything, nothing ever happened, save for a meaningful look from Johnny every once in a while. Donghyuck himself would admit that he was less than subtle, but Mark couldn’t take a hint unless you wrote it down, tied it to a brick, and it him in the face with it. Meaning he hadn’t caught on, and that’s what mattered.

Sometimes he wondered what their relationship looked like to Mark, and it made him sick to think he might be responsible for turning their  _friendship_  into a lie.

He learned to hold onto the days when Mark would show more affection than usual, and the times where he got Mark’s attention all to himself—no cameras, no makeup, no script. This was one of those times, so he willed himself to snap out of his thoughts and enjoy the look on Mark’s face.

Every now and then, his eyebrows would pull together in the most beautiful way as he swayed and nodded his head. Donghyuck stared. He wanted so badly to take a picture, because although he couldn’t hear the music through Mark’s headphones, he knew, he just  _knew_ , that it was his parts that caused Mark to make that face, like he was truly feeling every word and every note. Donghyuck liked to think that Mark could get lost in his voice, that he could make Mark feel something when he sang. Could he tell that Donghyuck was singing to him?

Donghyuck grimaced to himself, embarrassed at how disgustingly sappy he had gotten. It was just Mark.

He stared and stared, not caring to look away when Mark opened his eyes and removed his headphones.

Silence.

Mark turned and looked Directly Into Donghyuck’s Eyes and said, very seriously, “Hyuck, that was… incredible. Really.”

Donghyuck’s mouth fell open. Sure, he knew Mark would throw in a compliment or two, maybe gush about Taeil’s angelic vocals with him, but he was really not expecting Mark to use  _that voice_.

He did his best to sound unaffected, like Mark’s opinion didn’t mean the world to him, like he wasn’t thinking of Mark the entire time he was recording the song. “Oh. Well. Thanks. That’s good. Haha.”

_jesus christ, hyuck, get a grip_

“No like, seriously,” Mark said, and  _oh my god he’s still going on about it_ , “Like, all the songs are great, but that was like—I don’t know, I don’t know how to explain it.”

Donghyuck couldn’t believe Mark had the audacity to keep looking at him like that. He had even shifted so that he was fully situated on the bed and facing Donghyuck. Which was just unnecessary. With the way he was talking, he sounded  _wonderstruck_ , and Donghyuck wanted to bottle up his words and keep them forever.

“Thanks,” he said, trying to keep his voice as level as possible. “I thought so too when I read the lyrics.”

Mark’s lips quirked up just a little. “No, Duckie, I mean—yeah, the songwriting is great, but I was talking about you. Your voice. Especially at the part where…” Donghyuck’s breath caught in his throat, because  _oh,_ but Mark didn’t notice because he was still going on, talking animatedly at the ceiling. At least he wasn’t staring into Donghyuck’s soul anymore. Well. Maybe the staring thing hadn’t been so bad.

“Like, your voice, like, fits the melody really well? And it’s so emotional. Like, really. I don’t know how you do it sometimes.” He seemed to have finished his speech, flopping backwards and shaking his head at the ceiling. Donghyuck couldn’t think of a single word to say. All he could come up with was a weak and painfully awkward laugh. His pulse was racing, and his body was screaming for him to reach forward and—and do anything. Anything but sit there with a dumb look on his face, still incapable of looking away from Mark.

_literally what the hell has gotten into you, oh my god, say something, dumbass!!//1?121!/?!1!!!!_

Eventually he got a few words out, for the sake of breaking the silence. “Well, I’m glad you liked it.” He meant to say it louder, smoother, but his entire body was malfunctioning, and it was the best he could do, given the circumstances. Mark hummed easily in response, because unlike Donghyuck, he wasn’t in the midst of an emotional meltdown. The nerve.

They remained that way, falling into a familiar silence, not really doing anything but existing in each other’s company. Donghyuck’s breathing returned to normal. This is okay, he thought. This is familiar. But it still felt like  _something_  was hanging in the air and neither of them knew how to reach out and grab it. Donghyuck tried to will it away, leaning his head back on the wall and letting his eyes slip shut, but the discomfort was still there, and it showed in the way his fingers twitched.

Mark reached for the headphones again.

_oh my god you’ve got to be kidding me_

“You’re listening to it again?”

“Yeah. S’that cool?” Mark said, already pulling them on.

“Mhm.” Maybe this was a bad idea, Donghyuck thought, to get Mark alone like this. Why couldn’t he have just waited until everyone sat down to listen to it together? All he was doing was hurting himself, pushing the limits and seeing how close he could get without falling over the deep end, but the rush wasn’t exciting anymore. It just hurt.

Donghyuck was faltering and he knew it. Lately, he felt like he was too exhausted to keep up. People were starting to notice him spacing out, getting distracted. Sometimes, he couldn’t even find the energy to hit Mark with a sarcastic comment or a glare, which should’ve been second nature to him. The teasing was part of their dynamic, but Donghyuck knew some of it was just for show, at least on his part. There were times when it pained him to say what he didn’t mean, and there were times when he went too far. Too many times has he spouted some bullshit that ended up hitting Mark too hard, and he could do nothing but watch Mark’s face fall and pretend he didn’t notice, pretend he didn’t feel the ache. Sometimes though, Donghyuck would be  _too_ relaxed, and Mark would get this weird look on his face, strange and expectant, as if waiting for Donghyuck to attack. And that hurt the most.

_why can’t I stop hurting you?_

When Mark spoke up again, Donghyuck opened his eyes and realized he had completely zoned out. Mark was staring at the ceiling, headphones gone. Donghyuck couldn’t tell how long it had been since he had taken them off.

“You know, sometimes I think of you like that.”

Donghyuck’s entire body stilled. Mark’s voice was hushed, almost fragile, but it was enough to knock the wind out of Donghyuck’s lungs.

 _Sometimes I think of you like that._ Like what? What had he heard in that song? It was undoubtedly a love song, right? Like, a textbook love song. Did Donghyuck miss something while he was wallowing in self-pity? He tried desperately to not jump to conclusions, to not let his mind go where it wasn’t welcome.

 “Uh. What?”

_uH wHAt??kjzsdpdwjasdkjf_

Mark took in a breath, holding in his puffed-out cheeks for a moment. So cute. Donghyuck definitely didn’t notice.

“Well, like. It’s like—you know, when the, uh. Ahh forget it.”

Donghyuck leaned forward, poking Mark’s cheek. Usually he found Mark’s nervous stutter endearing, but now that he was dying to know what Mark was on about, he was getting impatient. “What the hell, you can’t just drop some cryptic shit and then leave it at that. That’s like, illegal.”

“It’s actually nothing.”

“Nothing, my ass.”

“ _Hyuck_.”

“ _Mark Lee_.”

“I’m your hyung.”

“You had me fooled.”

“Donghyuck!”

“Mark!”

“What do you even want!”

“Finish what you were saying.”

“I—I forgot.”

“You lie!”

Mark said nothing. He had gotten up so he was sitting back on his knees, much closer to Donghyuck than he was before. Donghyuck crossed his arms and pouted as obnoxiously as possible. Mark’s lips tightened, and then he sighed.

“Fine,” he said, looking very displeased. Donghyuck stuck his tongue out.

“You were saying…”

Mark ran his hands through his hair and made a ridiculously adorable frustrated noise that Donghyuck refused to smile at.

“In the song. The part where it says, ‘ _She no longer needs me._ ’ It just reminded me of, you know. Us. Like, sometimes I think that. About you. It’s nothing, okay, are you happy now?”

_what the hell what the hell what could that possibly mean what the hell what the hell what the_

“Are you calling me a girl?” is what came out of Donghyuck’s mouth next. It was times like these that he wished he could reverse time, punch himself in the face, and then live underground for a million years where there were no cute boys with big eyes and endless talent and wiry muscles for him to ruin with his bullshit.

Mark gaped at him, incredulous. “Hyuck, no it’s—seriously I don’t even know what I’m saying, so let’s just drop it, okay? We should go eat, are you hu—”

“No, wait,” Donghyuck interrupted. He was not going to let himself ruin this, not like that. “I’m sorry, that was stupid. Please keep going, I wanna hear it.” He reached to squeeze one of Mark’s hands in his own, but when he did, Mark didn’t let him pull away. Donghyuck watched Mark play with their hands as he waited for him to speak.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Mark warned.

“I won’t,” Hyuck said, impatient.

“How can you—whatever. What I was saying is that, sometimes,  _sometimes,_  I think about when we were younger, and like, how I kind of felt…  responsible for you.” Donghyuck opened his mouth, and Mark rushed to stop him. “Not in a bad way! I just felt like I could, um, take care of you. Since I was older—”

“Only by ten months and 5 days,” Donghyuck couldn’t stop himself from saying, even while trying to grasp what Mark was telling him. Mark scoffed.

“—Since I was older  _by ten months and 5 days,_ and you were away from your family and all that. And almost everyone was older than us, you know? But, I liked it. I felt like I could protect you from stuff, and, it sounds stupid, I know, but I thought maybe I could be a good example. Someone you could look up to. And trust. I don’t know, I guess I’m saying that, for a long time I felt  _needed_ , you, know? I had a responsibility to you. Because you were— _are_  important to me.” For once in his life, Mark took his time and spoke very carefully, each word undeniably genuine. He took in a breath. Donghyuck’s eyes were stinging with tears because apparently, he was a little bitch, but he decided it was okay because Mark wasn’t doing much better.

“But now, I know you’re old enough to handle things on your own. You don’t need my help anymore, don’t need  _me_ anymore”—Mark’s voice broke, and the sound echoed heavily in Donghyuck’s chest— “and that’s normal, obviously, like there’s no reason you would need me, and there’s no reason I need to be there for everything you do, but. But sometimes thinking about it makes me sad, I guess.” His eyes were shut, but his grip on Donghyuck’s hand didn’t waver. “Please don’t laugh.”

And that’s when Donghyuck started crying for real, because Mark was afraid that he’d  _laugh at him_  after everything he said. How could he think that? How could he think he wasn’t part of Donghyuck, that he wasn’t necessary for Donghyuck to  _breathe_? And—and those times they fought, even if it was just a few hours, a few minutes, Donghyuck’s nerves would be pulled taut because his body couldn’t deal with the doubt—how could Mark not know that? He pulled his hand away, which caused Mark to open his eyes with the most heartbreaking look on his face, thinking his words had caused Donghyuck to move away from him. But when Mark saw that he was using both hands to wipe the tears from his eyes, he was stunned.

Donghyuck looked up at him and immediately hid his face in his hands when he met Mark’s eyes. “Agh, don’t look at me.”

“Why?” Mark let out a disbelieving laugh.

“Because, idiot, I’m ugly-crying. Don’t look.”

“Too bad, Duckie,” Mark said, genuinely smiling. Although Mark knew Donghyuck was sensitive, he rarely let himself be vulnerable in front of anyone else. So sue him if he was feeling a tiny bit smug.

Donghyuck only whined, blindly reaching to swat at the older. Mark caught his wrist in the air and laced their fingers together again.

“But really, though, you should tell me why you’re crying, because I’m not great at guessing stuff,” Mark said, and Donghyuck snorted, wiping the last of the tears from his face with the sleeves of his hoodie.

“Didn’t you say something earlier about food? Man, I’m hungry. Is Doyoung around?”

“Oh no, not happening.”

“Come onnnnn,” Donghyuck whined.

“That is so unfair! I just poured my heart out and you’re trying to change the subject!”

“Fine! What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know!” Mark sputtered. “Just say what you’re thinking, I guess. You’re not like, mad or anything, right? That I said that? You don’t think that’s dumb?” And he sounded so unsure, like his whole life fucking  _depended_  on what Donghyuck would say next.

He hesitated, trying to make sense of everything. Trying to decide just how honest he wanted to be. There were so many different ways he could go about this. He looked at Mark’s stupid face, thought about how he had laid everything out even when he thought Donghyuck might laugh in his face. He wanted to be brave too. Like Mark.

For a moment, Donghyuck saw just the two of them. Everything else went away. All the bullshit and the jokes and the pretending. He saw two boys—young, naïve, and sensitive. And everything he felt for Mark hit him at once, and it was like lighting a fuse. He came alive, all the nerves and emotions turning into electricity, not knowing what would come next. Waiting for the bomb to go off.

_Just say what you’re thinking._

“Okay. I think… I think you’re wrong,” he said. His voice was steady and deliberate. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it head-on, no looking back.

“I think you’re wrong for saying that I don’t need you anymore. I need you so much. And you’re wrong for saying your feelings are stupid. Because they’re important, and you’re important, and I know I don’t express that enough, but it’s true.” Donghyuck’s voice came out a lot more aggressive than he intended, so he collected himself and tried again, softer this time. “And, you know, I did look up to you when we were younger. Like, literally the first day I met you, I—god, I know I’m gonna regret telling you this, but—I thought you were so cool. You had that guitar, and you could rap, and you wrote lyrics and even let me read them, and I was just some dumb kid who hadn’t grown out of his baby fat but you still made me feel important. And… I’m so sorry I didn’t do the same for you. I’m really, really sorry.”

And, fuck, they were both crying again, gripping each other’s hands like they’d fall away if they let go. Usually Donghyuck loved Mark’s wide eyes on him, giving him his full attention, but now he was just scared shitless.

“Hyuck,” Mark started, all watery and sniffling.

“Why are  _you_  crying?”

“I’m emotional right now, okay? I’m not used to… this!” he said, flapping his hand between them. “And you were crying first, so I get a free pass.”

Donghyuck leaned forward and slapped him on the side of his neck.

“Hey! Ah, stop, I’m going to wash my face,” Mark said. Donghyuck felt a surge of panic, knowing he would regret it for the rest of his whole stupid life if he let the conversation end there.

“Wait!” he said, pulling Mark, wide-eyed, back into a sitting position. “There’s—there’s more. There’s more I want to say. Hyung, I wanted to be like you then, and I still do. But you’re not just a role model to me, you’re—you’re not just a big brother.” Donghyuck breathed deeply, feeling the weight in the air, wondering when his life turned into a damn K-drama. But the air between them didn’t feel fragile anymore. He felt grounded, sitting on Mark’s bed, which smelled like Mark’s shampoo, holding Mark’s hands for strength. He felt like he was having one of those momentary spiritual awakenings that made him feel all powerful and confident, but he knew it wouldn’t last long.

_lee donghyuck, I swear to all that is holy, just spit it out_

Donghyuck squeezed his eyes shut. He had been on stage thousands of times, dropped out of school to be an  _idol_ , performed in different countries, spoken to crowds of people in languages he didn’t know, danced and sang on television, but fuck if this wasn’t the bravest thing he’d ever done.

“After everything, you know—it’s you. I don’t know myself without you. And I promised myself I’d never say anything, that I’d just, I’d just keep quiet and everything would be fine and that it would be enough, but. I know this must be so weird coming from me, because I never—but I know I’ll regret it if I don’t say something, even though it’s gonna hurt, you know, it already hurts, so I have to. I have to,” and he knew he was barely making sense, but when he woke up that morning he wasn’t planning on baring his soul to the world. “Jesus, Mark. I’m probably in love with you. I’ve probably been in love with you since I was thirteen.”

_wow wow oh my god I really just did that oh my god wow_

He dropped his head, having used up all his courage. He was sweaty and definitely having an actual literal heart attack, but he could breathe easier somehow, even with the doubt that was beginning to seep in. He was seconds away from apologizing and escaping to Johnny’s room where he would hide forever when Mark finally spoke up.

“Hyuck, why didn’t you tell me?” There was something in his voice that Donghyuck couldn’t place. He hadn’t stormed off in disgust, which was nice, but other than that, Donghyuck couldn’t really tell what he was thinking. Maybe Mark was trying to let him down easy, like they could even  _try_  to salvage the mess he’d made. But Donghyuck had run this scene in his head a million different ways, and he knew if Mark tried to be gentle, it would be unbearably awkward and they’d inevitably grow apart, slowly and painfully. Donghyuck prayed for anything,  _anything_  but that.

To Mark’s question, he smiled sadly, eyes cast down towards the bed where he was picking at lint on his blanket. He had since pulled his hands away from Mark’s, deciding it would be better for him to break away first. “You’re joking, right?” He tried for light-hearted, but he just ended up sounding bitter. And then—

Mark laughed,  _laughed,_ breathlessly. “Oh my god. Wow.”

It was like Donghyuck’s whole body was suddenly filled with lead. He did not see that coming.

Doesn’t matter if he’s in love. It’s not serious. It’s never serious with Lee Donghyuck.

He went to get off the bed, throwing caution to the wind because he wasn’t confident that his legs would work properly once he stood up.

“I should, um—”

“That’s like, what, a good five years? Wow. I can’t believe…  _wow_ ,” Mark said, almost as if he had forgotten Donghyuck was there.

He felt himself choke up, face hot with embarrassment, but he refused to cry any more in front of Mark. Still, Donghyuck never expected that he’d be cruel enough to make fun of him, to fucking throw it back in his face, especially when he was clearly being serious. He wanted to throw up.

“You think I didn’t know that?” he mumbled, barely holding it together. He was starting to shake. Mark was looking at him like… like he was somehow  _amused_  by Donghyuck’s confession. In that moment, Donghyuck  _hated_  the sound of Mark’s laugh.

“You don’t… You don’t have to be so mean about it…” he choked out, barely audible. God, he sounded like a child. He had always thought ten months was nothing, that it didn’t make a difference and Mark was just being dramatic, but he was beginning to think Mark really believed otherwise.

_why haven’t you moved, just go, get out of there_

Mark’s stupid comments came to a halt mid-sentence, gaping at Donghyuck as he stood, steeling himself to walk away from the most important relationship he’s ever had. He felt slimy and exposed.

“Wait, Chan, no no no, that’s not what I meant,” Mark said, sounding panicked. Donghyuck was still facing the door, refusing to look at Mark’s stupid, ugly face, but he stopped moving away, because in all honesty, he had always been weak when it came to Mark.

He didn’t have to turn around though, because Mark practically tripped over himself to stand right in front of him. He got close enough that Donghyuck couldn’t pretend to look at anything but him, one hand planted on the younger’s shoulder and the other resting lightly on the nape of his neck. Donghyuck pressed his sleeves into his eyes, but he was too tired to push away.

“Mark.” He sounded like he was begging, but for what, he didn’t know.

“Hyuck, you don’t understand, I feel—I mean. I, you know, it’s like, just. Fuck, why can’t I do this?”

“Mark, stop,” he tried again.

“No,  _listen_.”

Donghyuck finally dropped his hands. His eyes were red, and his cheeks and eyelashes were still wet with tears. He looked and felt ruined.

“Hyuck, I love you so much. Like, I mean—I’m probably in love with you, too.”

Donghyuck short-circuited.

_404 Error: Page Not Found_

“What.” His voice was still all gross from crying, but that was the last thing on his mind.

“Yeah,” Mark said, beginning to laugh for real.

“Please don’t mess around,” Donghyuck said, as steadily as possible. He was balancing on a wire, waiting for Mark to push him over the edge.

“I’m not,” he said. “I wouldn’t do that. I promise.” He reached for Donghyuck’s hand without breaking eye contact and linked their pinkies together.

“Really? Like,  _really_  really?” He could barely think straight, but Mark’s words, his touch, felt like a tidal wave washing over him, shocking his system and waking him up from a nightmare. 

“Yeah,  _really_  really. And I meant like, it’s been like five years of this shit. That’s five years we were both too dumb to realize…”

Donghyuck choked as Mark’s confession settled in. “Five years we could’ve…”

They were both still smiling, but there was a shadow of regret there, too.

“Yeah, I guess,” Mark said, shaking his head in incredulity. “But I think it’s a good thing that it’s happening now—oh my god, I can’t believe it’s actually happening right now—” They both laughed, breathless and giddy. Donghyuck nodded emphatically, unable to make words come out of his mouth, but he trusted that Mark understood what he meant. “—but, it’s better this way, you know, because I think we had to grow up a little bit first. And, you know, figure out our own shit.”

“And this way, the payoff is more satisfying. No one likes a painless love story,” Donghyuck added, both of them immediately blushing and averting their eyes as Donghyuck’s word choice registered, but neither of them corrected it.

His stupid sarcastic self was back at least, even though they were both winded after being surprise-attacked with a clusterfuck of emotions. Mark shoved him back towards the bed where they both flopped down and tangled themselves together, sighing with relief at the familiar contact.

“Y’know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry this much,” Donghyuck mused.

“Oh my god, shut  _up_ , you’re ruining my moment.”

“ _Your_ moment?” Donghyuck shouted, loud enough for Mark to cover his ears and push the younger away. Donghyuck laughed and rolled back towards him, ending up even closer than he was before. “I kind of like it, though. You having emotions.”

Mark’s mouth fell open. “I’ve always had emotions,” he scoffed.

“I like you having emotions in front of me. You always hide,” Donghyuck said, still defiant, but Mark knew he meant it.

“Oh. I mean. Yeah.”

Donghyuck snorted, unable to keep himself from mocking him. “What I’m saying is, I want to talk to you like this sometimes. Like not always, obviously, because I’m not a fucking sap—”

“Yeah, okay, sur—Ow, what the fuck,” Mark said, rubbing at the growing red spot on his neck.

“I’m being serious! As I was saying… I like you. Clearly. And I like seeing  _you_. Not just ‘Fully Capable Mark Lee’ that everyone else gets to see. I want special privileges,” Donghyuck finished with a pout, because although he really was being serious, he couldn’t help being a brat.

He watched as Mark’s eyes roamed slowly over his whole face, making him feel slightly exposed, but in a nice way this time.

“Okay,” Mark said. “I can do that. But only if I get special privileges too.”

“Haven’t even asked me on a date yet and you expect me to put out?”

Mark’s eyes widened. “What? No, I didn’t mean it like that!”

Donghyuck cackled, and Mark realized he was only messing around. His whole face heated up, which made Donghyuck laugh harder.

They stayed like that, alternating between bickering and just laying together quietly. No matter what, they never stopped touching. Mark messed with Donghyuck’s hair while the younger stroked the base of his neck. Sometimes Donghyuck would pull at the edges of Mark’s sleeves or grab his fingers and play with them mindlessly, and in return, Mark would cradle the side of Donghyuck’s face and run his thumb over his cheekbone because he knew how much the younger boy liked it. Sometimes, Donghyuck would lean in and steal kisses on Mark’s neck and all over his face, and Mark let him. It was familiar. It was them.

Donghyuck reveled in it, the way they were leaning into each other, barely any gaps between them. He closed his eyes, still smiling and blushing in the most disgusting way possible. He felt Mark’s eyes on him, only him, and he loved it.

“Say it again,” Donghyuck demanded. Mark sighed.

“You’re annoying.”

“Say it!”

“I’m in love with you.”

“What happened to ‘probably’?”

“Changed my mind.”

“Gross.”

“And now I’m changing it back.”

“Whatever. I changed my mind too. I’ve upgraded to  _definitely_  in love with you.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“Go back to Canada.”

“Maybe I will.”

“But take me with you this time. I miss your mom.”

“Whatever you say, Hyuck.” 

**Author's Note:**

> big thank you for reading this self-indulgent blob <3  
> i hope you liked it and i hope i find the motivation to add a part 2 bc i really wanna see them smooch ;))  
> yell at me in the comments or on tumblr @strawberrytae


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